well fuck me again, fuck this and fuck that and fuck you too.
thats all I have to say... fuck it

can I get a woo for no one reading this... well aside from one or two... and if you do... then fuck you... stop keeping track of me, I am tired of being cared about.. tired of being needed. I wish I could be left alone for more than a few hours without something being wrong, yeah I get pissed off like everyone else but I dont need someone following me around holding my fucking hand telling me whats ok and whats not these are my thoughts and no one elses but my own, if I want to get drunk and fuck up my job then its my choice if I fuck my friends over then I did it.. and if I make you believe something that isint true then go ahead hate me for it. I dont care. every day I am alive is another day I kinda regret for one reason or another even if I dont find a reason I really wish I was dead, I wish the one time I had the balls to do it that it would have worked, I'm tired of waging wars on myself I dont know how much longer I can do it, even though I have been saying it for years, I feel that I am getting close to an end.. whether its a new place, a new job, a new anything I just want out of this, a new place I fear is just going to prolong the inevitable. so I am tired of being the bitch.. tired of listening to everything everyone says, tired of actually caring what they say.. tired of not standing up, tired of dreaming tired of not sleeping, just flat out fucking tired, I just look foward to vacation.. whatever that means, maybe I'll get away, make the trip that I have been putting off, maybe it will be enough to find a reason, maybe I wont come back from it, if not I hope its almost as good as I thought it always would have been had I not been making the trip alone even though I know your going to be there with me for whatever it is worth, if I dont see anybody before then hopefully I come back a new person, and if I dont well then too damn bad, this is who I am supposed to be I guess... at least I will have acomplished the last thing that I said I was going to do.. and actually ment it before during and after I said I was going to do it

so 3 years has come, and past, its hard to believe that I'm still here really, I thought for sure I'd be gone by now, if I only had the courage she did, it would not hurt anymore, thats all I ever do anyways, drink until I cant feel anything, get sick, tell myself I'm going to knock it the fuck off and I never do, I don't know why I even bother trying to quit drinking, or smoking for that matter, I guess the only reason I really do it is to please people, its nice that they care, its nice that they try but I am just not ready to quit yet, so I guess I set myself up to fail at this every time because I don't do it for me, I only try to please everyone fucking else. I guess, I didn't know something could hurt for this fucking long, every other thing that has ever happened I have been able to forget it get over it or do something for god sakes but now its like I don't even care anymore, I cant bring myself to accept the fact that shes gone, I avoid all thoughts of it even though I tattooed it on myself I just dont look, I hate the music that I listen to because it reminds me of her, I hate the snow because it snowed the night she died, and the day she was born, its weird, I cant do a god damned thing anymore without being reminded in some way of her, I cant sleep in my own room, because of one night I felt like she was there, something cold touched my hand and I freaked out, over a year ago, and have been sleeping on the couch ever since, I cant talk to people about it, I'm tired of being told to get help. I don't fucking want and motherfucking help, I dont care if they're good, or if they helped you, this is how I have to deal with it, I don't want to talk to someone I dont even know about something so close to me, I wont talk to my friends why the fuck would I talk to a therapist, who the fuck are you to tell me how to run my own fucking life, you cant even figure yours out, I'd be perfectly happy to never talk to you again, your a bitch, I hate how you remind me of her, I hate how fucking 2 faced you are, I mean, fuck, "someone had to take care of you guys" so you didn't even want to be there, then you should not have been, that just makes this worse, don't be a fake, I'm really glad I went to champaign this last weekend, aside from going outside with Kat, that just pissed me off, I hate how I let this shit have this effect on me, I'm sick and fucking tired of people telling me its not my fault, that everything will be ok, it'll get better with time, I've got news for you, it fucking does not, its supposed to make it easier to put your mind somewhere else, well it ain't, hell the last 2 times she attempted it involved me, and more than just the fact that I was there or that I talked to her, it was directly my fucking fault and I don't care what anyone says, they don't fucking know. I wish I knew it was going to be over, that I could just stop being a pussy and get it fucking over with, its all just a waiting game, waiting around to fucking die, why not today? what difference would it make? I don't give 2 shits if people are going to miss me, I'm not going to go on being miserable for the sake of you being happy, god I hate this, I need something to drink, fuck class, it doesn't matter anyways, I'm so confused by all of this crap, I don't know why I cant just accept the fact that shit ain't gonna get any better, it hasn't yet, and even when I think that it might it blows up in my face so whats the point, I don't want to go though let down after let down, thats all it is really, a series if disappointments with illusions of happiness in between. and ya know, even if I do find someone I think I could be happy with now I couldn't, my heart belongs to another, someone I can never be with, well not never but I cant be with here, makes this life really not worth living. I just don't understand, I just don't, but thats kewl, it doesn't matter it'll be over soon enough, so in the mean time, have another smoke, take another drink and I'll be fine for another pointless day well I have grown weary of doing this for now I'm going to lay awake here and listen to music I should get some sleep but it'll be ok, running on no sleep can be fun I guess

back again, I need to write some of this down before I pass the hell out, I know I wont remember any of this tomorrow morning, I had a little much to drink and I just took some codine, yeah fucking stupid I know I just had a really bad night, I cant help but think that I'm not ment to keep on living, I dont know whyI keep putting myself though this, its really dumb, I got a tattoo last weekend, it was to memorialize kristen I guess, I set my mind to finally getting it and now I dont know weather or not it was the best move, I know I was going to get it sometime or another but now that I have it I cant stop thinking about her, its always there reminding me, I can remember all the good things, and then all of the shit I put myself though after she was gone and now I'm just falling back repeating self-destructive thing I did then and I fucking hate doing it, yet, again and again I'm doing it. I feel so alone, so cold, I guess I'll be ok, hell I'll always be ok, I just wish I could fucking quit, no more drugs, no more drinking, no more smoking, I'm trying to quit smoking, and I'm finally out of pills, thank god I guess, not the way I wanted to be out of pills but taking them does get rid of them. typing is starting to get kinda hard, I really wanna call mashly, someone to talk to but I know I wont, I talk to anyone about this because I'm so scared that they wont keep it to them selves, as I did for so long, now I actually want to talk some of it out and I cant, and why cant I stop hitting the damn enter button after I type anything, I guess talking to this thing is the closest I'll come to talking to a real person so whatever I'm feelin the effects of those damn pills now, tis getting cold, and weird, I dont know why I do this. I said that already, I think, I'm feeling pretty sick, maybe if I'm lucky I'll throw all thsi shit up that would definnatly be fore the best right now

so yeah, blah blah so many months, yak yak and with that outta the way down to whats on my mind this early wensday morning, I got really really blitzed saturday, it was good but on the other hand kinda bad, I mean only myself and on other person were drinking, so out of the 7 of us there 2 drunks, and I didnt stop untill there were only 2 of us left, myself and mashley, ya know, I dont really know her at all, she's thomas's sorta girl friend so it was weird, in a way, not talking to her but what we talked about, for once I actually talked about the whole kristen thing, realized that I'm not happy with mylife but I've gotten so used to it being like this that I dont have the ambition to do anything about it. I've never talked to anyone, said the things I said to her, I still dont know if it was a good thing that I talked to her the way I did, being so honest about myself, I prolly shoulda lied, like I do to everyone else, or dodge the questions but I didnt, I was reluctant at first but eventually I opened all the way up, I dont know wheather it was the alahol or the way she asked the questions but it was kinda nice to talk about all of it, and when I said alot of the things that I'd been to scared to say even to myself, I cant believe of what I remember saying the things that I actually said, like that I didnt like my life, or that I thought about ending it often, or that one day I was scared I was going to run out of reasons not to end it. its all new and different to me, I guess, I dont know, its weird to think that basic stranger to me knows the most about me right now, hell she knows more than all of my friends and family put together, the pills the attempts, how much I loved her, my belifes about god, the afterlife and so many other things that I dont remember its sooo wierd, heh, she knows more than I do, and unlike my fears she didnt judge me for it, look down on me or anything, she was sooo understanding but here I still sit, I know I told myself to seek some kind of professional help but that would mean telling my mom and I dont want to do that, I dont want to change the status quo, if you will, what she dosent know wont hurt her, so I will keep drinking and smoking myself stupid to numb the pain, for now anyways

so yeah how many months? more than a few less than a crapton but who's counting anyways? I know I'm not, if I was there would be more posts here but we all know how my track record with that is so we'll leave it at that. so whats new? I havent missed a day of school in the last 3 semesters, which is a new and good trend for me as I read back to some of my past posts, I got a new car, and a bike, I know me with a motorcycle bad idea, then I one uped myself and bought a crotch rocket, anyways I'm in the process of liquadating my assets, 4 cars is too many to have and then 2 bikes on top of that, ohhh well 3 of them are getting sold, a bike and 2 cars, it'll be nice to have space around here again, I need to do some cleaning in the garae again to get another car in there again but thats a project for another day, I still cant sleep at night, its getting kinda sad really, you'd figure 30 some months later I would be over her, but thats all the father I realy care to go into that right now, so no significat other and I think that its better that way, costs less money and I dont have to worry about keeping someone else happy, I cant keep myself happy so what makes me think I can keep someone else, anyways I realy shouldent worry about finding someone new, I'm not over her yet so why bother? it'll just blow up in my face, which seems to be trend as of late anyways so I'll stick to my cars and bike and such and keep myself ocupied. So I'm listening to alot of new music as of late, well not really new but more variety, some county more rock and punk, my collection has grown to ummm lets see media player has it 186 hours 55 minutes and 33 secconds for a total of 12.93 gb, not that much, so what else what else, bill (my brother) is getting a divorce, his soon to be ex filed a restraining order against him which was complete crap but that seems to be a trend with her as of lately, I honesty dont know how she is going to keep that many lies stright, I cant keep the truth straight muchless whatever I've made up. ohhh well I suppose everything will work out in the end, and if not there are always people who can take care of problems like her. ummm I'm running out of things to say for right now so I'm out like a blind kid in dodgeball

so I'm back again, after a week or so absence, and todays top story without furhter ado, I'm selling my escort, 400 bucks, I hope to get out of it anyways, trying to buy a truck with no job means selling a bunch of stuff, ohhh well, could be worse so yeah bike and escort going bye bye to try and get 600 bucks, 1979 f-100 king cab, 400 CI motor, 4wd, lifted w/ swampers, yay for people not wanting to drive thses cars because of gas. anyways, ummmm, ohhh yeah, my last post kinda scared me, I didnt realize that I could be that suicidal, ohhh well, I dont have the guts to do it anyways. so because its 120 and I have to be up and 620 I'm going to bed for the evening, g-night all, ohhh and by the way makeshift romeo rocks my face off

woot, a whole ummm 6 months? yeah about that, I would go back and edit the day/time thing and make it look like I wasent such a lazyass slacker and update this thing but hey, I'm a slacker at heart so onward and well backwards, so whats gone on over the last 6 months, well sam and I broke up so that she could move to colorado, to finish school, decided that she was going to do that one afternoon without talking to me at all, she up and left a week later, well she came back not a month after that, didnt ever even register for school, and dumbass me, when she came back we got back together, it faild a month later when she told me that she needed time to get over a cousion she never talks about getting some kinda tumor, pulled the feel sorry for me shit and I lost it, first actual fight we ever really had, gave her shit back to her and I'm done with it, I dont want anything to do with her. thats the abreivated version of things with her, ummm I'm going to ICC now, for automotive, not a bad program eccept that I have to be there at 8 in the morning which means getting up at about 6:15, now that I'm off overnights its not sooo bad so everything is getting peachier, I drove in the demo derby in august, didnt make the final but did damn well for a rookie, took 4th in my heat and top 3 went to the main, I got screwed in my opnion but nothing I could do about it, besides I got a trophy for being real agressive and beating out alot of bigger cars in my lil ole mercury commet all in good fun anyways, ummm I'm not soo stable anymore, lost my drivers licence over a bs ticket so I can almost never get outta my house, at least I'm getting stuff done around here but anyways, I was in class the other day and I grabbed this old organizer outta my bag, flipped it open to actually start using it, but it turns out I had stoped writing in it just before I lost Kristen, so for the weeks before her death I had everything that was going on and everything that we did together in it, so much for making progress with the whole thing, going on 2 years since it happend and I still love her, I'm starting to think that she was the one for me, you know, the one person that is totally right for you in everyway, soulmate even, this is going to make heaven really hard for me, if there is one and if I'm married before I die, I mean your supposed to want to spend eternity with the person you marry, but I already know who I want, maybe I should just slip into the beyond, spend it there with her, I know she would want to, she loved me as much as I loved her, ohhh well, enough of that I cant talk about it anymore right now, I'm going to go pass out, or watch tv, not quite sure which yet, overnight tv sucks on thursdays so I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do

ahhh, break from class for another couple hours, thought I'd throw another update out, just for the hell of it, got freesteak lastnight, from work noless, year end party for getting a certain % increase, and got a nice suprise, 170 some dollar supprise, a bonus check, which means, yay, suspension lift and new shocks for the jeep, hey, I've got the money, why not spend it. on that subject kat was being a bitch about shit lastnight, about how I spend my money, she dosent have to pay for shit and she's saying that if I didnt spend money I wouldent have to pay my own insurance, it was the agreement, I'm out of h.s. I pay it, makes sense right, she's talking about moving out, but still expecting parents to help, dumb bitch, just kinda picks at me sometimes, but anyways enough about the bitch, things with sam, cant really compain, dont see her much, working different hours and such, ahhhwell, its alright, I get plenty of time to myself, and when we do get together its good, so I cant complain

its funny how things work out, being back with sam and all, I serriously dont know whats wrong with me, I really dont, I guess I'm just needy, or something, and besides the sex is good, damn good. I'm still not over kristen, started having dreams again, which sucks, means I dont sleep well, and when I wake up its like I thought I was really there, they're so vivid, so real, nothing seems emblished, or fake as with my usual dreams, its so strange, I almost expect to wake up and find her next to me, or for her to call, or something, anything. ohhh well, so much for that, you know what the sad thing is tho? a few years ago I used to listen to this overnight radio show, there was a guy on there that was talking about how we actually live a bunch of lives at the same time, and if you follow his teqniques you can actually switch your conscienceness from one to the other freely, I actually looked into doing this into one where kristen was still here. kidna sad, still crosses my mind every now and again tho, kinda wish I could find the guy, heh, doubt it would work, also would have a hard time explaining it to anyone I know, maybe just keep it a secret, like alot of my life is anyways, hell, only booker knows about myself and sam being back together, I think it'll stay that way, just easier, besides I'm getting better at juggling the doubble lives, I think thats all for tonight, maybe more latter, we'll see

so back from class, made it 3 days in a row eccept for saturday on account of the weather, so it dosent count, anywho, had a rough day today, parents were waking me up, kinda picking at me, took a pillow, hit me with it, not hard or anything, kinda floped it on me, well that didnt sit to well aparently, mom did the water thing, slaped me in the shoulder a few times, but things like that piss me off, I mean like really bad, I thew my keys across the room, kinda hard, curesed, dad yelled some, pointed, made me feel like a peice of garbage, its a good thing I'm done with sam, I dont think I would have come home for a while, kinda sucks having noplace else to go, oh well, I just cant stand people doing those little anoying things, or hitting me to wake me up, its about the only time I get violent, I mean I feel like punching something sometimes, never do, but so far I've broke the door unlocker for my car, broke the door to my room and bruised some knuckles on my dresser, I dont really like it, but its like I'm a different person, I dont know I went through this before, never a violent side tho, eh, oh well, I'll start getting worried if it happens on a regular basis, and in other news I've come to the conclusion that I'm done dating for a while, dont even really feel like looking for someone, I finally realized that I'm not over kristen, I cant even deal with what happend, and I dont want to put someone else though my moodswings yet, not untill they get better or the girl really understands what she's in for, or what she's going to have to deal with, but I'll worry about that when the time comes. I think thats about all I feel like talking about right now so I'm out

ahhh, single again, no nagging phone calls, no one randomly showing up, no more bitching, kinda miss the sex, but eh, small price to pay to be sane again, well as sane as I can be anyways, the whole thing made me realize one thing tho, I was being played, pretty much the whole time, she wasent in love with me, she was in love with whoever is going to be around at the time, hmm I steped out for a week a while back, she got with doug, I can accept that, rebound thing, now we're over for good, and she's with some other guy she works with, aint that some shit? oh well, live and learn, its all for the best anyways, thats it, just a quick update before class today, something more indepth soon

Well, its over with Sam, yay in a good way but she has to just let go and say dumb shit like always, be pissed at me, call me a prick, call me a liar, that's fine, I don't fucking care, but talk about Kristin, don't bring her into your problems, that's taking shit about 5 steps too far, "...Someone who would rather be with their girlfriend who shot herself than me" grow the fuck up, always saying that I can't blame myself, well, who is to blame then? she needed someone to be there and I fucked up, I wasent there, hmmm, not to play the blame game but if anyone is to blame its me but she had to fucking go there didn't she, sure maybe it seems like I'm cold, I'm heartless but you said it was over, I'm all about letting people do what they want, letting them be themselves, I'm just along for the ride, but come on, she knows how much that topic hurts, how much I loved her, if you've got a problem with ME, then leave it at ME, don't drag her fucking into this, she did nothing to you, if anything she made me the guy you fell in love with, so fuck off, without her there wouldn't have been us, nothing, I would still be the quiet kid, takes no risks, lives for this hope that if I live right today that tomorrow will be better, well, its not going to be better, what about tomorrow? fuck tomorrow, I don't need plans, I don't need commitments, I don't need you and your shit to make me happy, you however needed me, but not my shit, well it comes and one big package, if you couldn't handle my baggage then you shouldn't have got involved, I told you what would happen, I told you that I couldn't help it, that I didn't want to talk but you just didn't understand, never tried, always assumed that I was like you, but one of your friends got killed and you got over it, but this is DIFFERENT, maybe not to you but to me it is, I was in love with her, I don't think you even know what love is, its not the word that comforts you when someone's not there, its not what we had, sure, I had my moments, I could have loved but you always beat me up for who I was, that I couldn't handle life sometimes, that I didn't want people around when it happened I needed time, sure I'd get a day here and there never could accept that I'd call you when I was though it, ohhh, he wont call I better do it for him, dumb bitch, ok, fuck this I've had it, I'm done bitching I don't care anymore, whats one more sleepless night, errr, dammit, pills are upstairs, which means I cant get them, errrrr fuck, maybe I'll make a trip somewhere, anywhere but here

so boredom and cutting class brings be back here yet again, hey its only the 1st day so whatever, I just dont feel like going today, I'll start tomorrow or at least I'll say that now to make myself feel better about not going today. hmmm, another 4 months, no postage for this thing so I figured I'd give it a try, sam and I had another split up, for some reason I tried to get her back, dumb me, well it worked, and I doubt its going to last much longer, I cant handle her, I dont know if its just her or if it would be the same with anyone, I dont know anymore, the desire for pills is back but my mom took them after sam told her where I had them, damn bitch, oh well, thats life, I know where they are now anyways so it dosent matter, its not like I take a whole shit load, only enough to be numb, forget everything and everyone. but for her it has to be the way she wants it fuck everyone elses feelings or desires, maybe thats why I never go over there, that and the smell in her apartment, its odd, sometimes it just reminds me of kristen, like her perfume or the way her clothes smelled, kinda makes me just withdraw, which I dont have the enegry to explain it to sam, I dont know if I could explain it to her so that she could understand, that I wont get over kristen, and I have no desire right now to put it behind me, fuck that, she was the biggest part of my life, the kind of person that comes along once in a lifetime, one that no one can even compare to, the way she was, the way she thought, the way she taught everyone around her, how to live, how to be unique, and that it was ok to be differnt. but enough about that, I cant even type anymore, need to escape from this reality that I cant stand again, sleep maybe, the closest thing to death I can find, its kinda comforting, not remembering dreams not being able to be worken up, dead to the world, its nice untill I get dragged back, well dads up and about time to go.

long time no post so here goes nothing my past month and a half in a nutshell, or whatever you want to call it, first things first, things with Sam. there're decent as of right now, she's getting clingy again not too bad that I cant handle yet, but we'll see, ummm lost my mind for a coupple days, tried to take to an outsider about it, mainly someone who hadent seen it happen, but that was to no avail, she pushed me away, told me about a ummm yeah that one word for mental doctor that I cant spell, you get the idea, anywho, she told me about one she used to go to or still does. helpful in a way if I wasent hard headed maybe it would have been moreso, I just wanted to let some shit out, someone to tell me that its ok, or that I'm fuckin nutty, or something to remedy it, I'd have settled for any of those, but nothing. dont want to talk to Sam or Brandi about it. Brandi will go to my parents and Sam will go to Brandi so either way I go there I'm fucekd, my parents think I'm taking pills, which I'm actually not this time but the more people hastle me about it the more I want to start again, and besides I found somemore codine and some darvicet aswell, both similar and equally effective. but yeah, back to the tempory insanity for a seccond, its like a really bad nightmare but I'm half awake, I can respond if really pressured to, I can remember most of it as far as my surroundings go, I sweat I get disy, I shake and my breathing can decided wheather to be shallow or like hyperventilations or some mix of those 2. I dont know what scares me though or why I go under like that but it sucked, I mean its happened before but it was at home, or at the lake, by myself, now, at brandi's then at work, something had to stop, I dont know what caused my sudden change in why I am the way I am, but I liked it for a while, now I'm slipping back sortta, ummm school, I missed a bunch of classes, I'm starting to go now though. which is good, I havent missed a class since wednesday so yay for me!!!! I think thats all for now, I'm going to try to make this a regular thing so that my posts wont be as long in the future, try to update once every couple days or so, maybe more often maybe less but whatever, its not like I do this for your enjoyment, so yeah, I'm out, dont do anything I wouldent do twice, and in the event that you do, dont name it after me.

long time, no post, well untill now, but anyways, things are back to normal, well as much so as they were before the past week, sam and I are back together, and I couldent be happier, well if someone gave me a pony I would be but I'll take what I've got, but yeah, friday, I called sam after she got off work, we met up at steak n' shake, talked for about an hour, I appologized my ass off, explained why I did what I did, admitted that it was stupid, which it really was, and yeah, she took me back, and on top of all of that, I stoped popping pills, which is good aswell, but on the bad side, my grandmother passed away today, kinda sad, but I didnt really know her that well, the funeral is this weekend, I've got to get my hair cut before then, whichs sucks because I like my hair, I can see it, and touch it and play with it, and it amuses me, so I'm going to just trim off as little as physically possible, I'm going to get that done this week sometime maybe tomorrow or thursday, I'm taking part of tomorrow off at wally world, and all of thursday I think, I mean money is nice and all but family comes first.  anyways thats about it for me, I'm almost done so yeah, just a coupple final words, love, peace and chicken grease

so, moring again, the only time when I'm really alreat, awake and half way functioning, (work dosent count) anyways, I wnet to work at the cheese today, was around sam again, I dont know, in a way I miss her, sure she was a bit clingy, she she could be childish, but I did love her, and well prolly still do, it kills to be around her, why did I break it off? I didnt want her around me during, well, the drugs, I've got a problem, pills, painkillers, I take them, alot of them, it puts me out, does weird things, I didnt want to expose her to that, I knew that she didnt want to understand why, she just wouldent want me to do it, so I took the easy way out, I pushed her away, when I really needed someone the most, now I'm kicking myself for it, smoking again, and poping even more pills, god I need to talk to her, maybe, tomorrow, or this weekend, I'm sure I'll see her at some point, prolly should talk to brandi first, maybe she has some good insight, maybe can see a flaw in my thinking, she does know the most about both of us, I dont know, I've got this really bad feeling, I'm cold, shaky and numb, I need to get out of here, and now

ahhh, the end of another long and uneventful day, I went out and picked up some pants and plain shirts for work, fun stuff, then I went to work, even more fun there, 7 hours of boredom, and now, here I sit, back at home sleepless again, trying to find something to distract myself from what I don't know, maybe I just want something interesting to do, I've been contemplating heading up to comlara park, towards the lake, I haven't been up there in a while, its kinda nice, relaxing if you will, that lake has been my escape on many nights, and well even afternoons for that matter, there's just something calming about it, but alas laziness has taken over, I don't really want to do anything besides lay in bed, try to sleep, and possibly smoke a couple cigarettes watch the sun come up and then pass out in the morning, so yeah, thats about all for this evening, ohh yeah on a side note, I picked up the new breaking benjamin's album, its pretty good, as well as punk-o-rama 8 and 9, 8 was good, 9 started out good but when down hill quickly, also seetheres disclamier 2, an expanded rerelease of their frist album which was worth it for the extra 7 or 8 songs, they were all really good, anyways thats all for now, so I'm out

Yay, new design all edited to make it look the way I want, for now, not that anyone noticed, but whatever, it makes me happy

so I'm back again, its 6:30 now and still no sleep in sight for me, its like I'm tired and everything but when I lay down or close my eyes my mind races, or its like I cant keep my thoughts calm enought to ever get close to sleep.  drugs would work for a situtation like this but once I start taking something I never seem to stop, sure, it starts out as taking 2 or 3 pills, tylenol pm or codine or whatever will knock me out, but I keep poping them about every 15 or 20 minutes, usually I've taken about 7 or 8 tylenol pm's before I finally pass out, that cant be good for you, I dont take codine anymore, I refuse to even use what I had left from when I had some teeth pulled a while back, I took 10 one night, it was horrible, I'm lucky to still be here.  the horrible part is its not just sleeping pills that this happens with, I mean I do the same thing with pain killers, kinda supprising, the effects are quite similar when you get into real high doses, taking 9 advill in a 5 hour period is about like taking 5 sleeping pills eccept when you do fall asleep with advil its not as deep, you wake up and get startled easily but your still kinda a vegitable, moving is hard and your limbs feel heavy, sometimes you stop breathing to swallow or something and forget to start again.  anyways, enough of all that stuff, I'm going to go get the paper and read, yes I said read, hey at least I'll be doing something semi-productive rather than staring at the wall kicking myself in the ass for everything I've done wrong, or things I wish I would have done, or whatever happens to be running circles around my warped little mind.

here I am again, finally another post, who knows if this will ever be a regualr thing, prolly not but thats ok, its not like I'm getting paid to do this in the firstplace.  So, to the first matter at hand, whats new? well, sam and I are over, she wasnen't the person I thought she was and I coulden't handle someone who turned out to be that clingy oh well, dosent really bother me, she ended up with someone else a day after I broke up with her.  if you think your in love with someone and then your able to get over them in about 3 hours, chances are your not in love but no skin off my back ya know? maybe he'll need her attition more than I did.  as for the reasons for ending it, she was clingy, however it was the little things that pissed me off even more, I quit smoking because she wanted to quit herself, well she didnt quit, and if I ever smoked and she found out about it she'd throw a fit and call me a liar, but eh, if I was quitting to help her quit, she didnt, so I didnt, pretty simple, more than that little thing there were all the ways she reminded me of kristen, just little things she'd do, most of them she did pick up from me, many bracelets, necklaces, she dyed her hair, all of them made her appear more and more like kristen, good in a way but I dont want to replace her with a replica (bad spelling but hey, it makes me unique right?) I'd rather find someone new and different, not a mirror immage, besides, trying to find someone just like her will only bring more pain in the end because I'd notice all the little things that I miss, and it just sucks.  anyways, on a totally unrelated yet just as uninteresting subject, I got a new job at wally-world, the pay is good, the job is only tempory untill something 3rd shift opens up, becuase, seeing as I'm up all night anyways, I might as well get paid for it.  ummm, what else what else? I met up with a friend from school, Cat, the other morning, talked for a while, why is it that whenever people have problems they come to me? yet I almost never go to anyone with mine? maybe its because I can put myself into other peoples situtations easially and I'm also fairly level headed even tho I am a bit unusual at times.  who knows? I dont really have much else on my mind at this point, nor anything else that I really care to talk about with all of the j-random strangers that will read this so yeah, this is the end.

Well well, after many many months of never following up the first post I decided to finally write something here, exciting isn't it? Yeah, I didn't think so. Lots of shit going on these days, I separated my shoulder a couple weeks back, kinda sucks but hey, I did do it to myself afterall so I guess I deserver to be sitting here in the state that I'm in, also got a cracked, broken or otherwise dislocated rib, kinda strange, it doesn't hurt but yet its not where it should be. So aside from being in a bit of pain almost consistently I get to miss work for one more week, not sure if its a good thing or not yet, sitting around is fun and all but I'm going to get either lazy or poor, but most likely both so that kinda sucks. Anyways on to a almost completely unrelated subject, these past couple days have been long, tiresome days where sleep just wont happen when I'm left alone, lot of shit going on, most of which I still cant deal with even though I pretend everything is fine when it fact it really isn't. Last December I lost someone verry close to me, someone I loved and cared about more than anything else, and someone who I still think about every god forsaken day. Kristen was her name, she was my everything in less words I guess I don't really know how to put words to how I felt and well still do feel about her. her passing came as a shock to everyone, suicide was the last thing I ever expected to happen, something I couldn't deal with, and still cant actually, I just push everything away, hope it will magically disappear but alas, it never does, and now almost 6 months later, I've met someone new, strangely similar to her in many ways which I wish could say comes as a suprise. Well, we're in a relationship now one that I don't know whether to be happy about or to try to find a way to get out of before it gets too deep which I'm afraid to Sam it already has, I mean its not like I don't care about her, she is a wonderful person, but I don't know if I can handle this yet, so far in the 3 days or so we've been together sleep just wont come, I've picked up smoking again and here I am, trying my best to express myself in the only way I know how, writing in someplace that nobody who knows me will likely ever read. Comforting in a way, a lot of things I don't want my friends to know about me, I don't know where I'm going with that thought but I guess I'll just keep writing because its 4:27 and rather than try and go to sleep for a couple of hours before school I'd rather just say fuck it and stay up. After Kristen's passing I kept to myself a lot, only talked to 1 person really and that was only on one occasion. I've bottled everything up and now its finally starting to catch up with me. Suicidal thoughts are coming back and as much as I wish I could just ignore them like I've always seemed to do it just gets harder and harder to find a reason to say no, push them away for another day. a part of me just wants out, just to say fuck everything and everyone, but yet, part of me wants to stay, just for the hope that things will get better, and well I guess that they are, Sam is a great girl, fun to be with and as affectionate as I am, its like when I'm with her everything is cool, I'm mellow, sleep comes and its just an overall great thing but when we're apart, like now for instance I'm, hell I don't know what I am but I'm going to stop writing now, kinda lost interest in this all of a sudden, maybe I'll write again in a day, or a week, or an hour, who knows

ahh, the 1st and by far least significant entry into the hall of dumbness, here you will find my j-random thoughts on a varity of subjects, some dumb, some serrious, and some that do not fall into either of those catigories, however most of this stuff you wont care about anyways and it will be a waste of your time to read but hey, seeing as you have read this far obviously you dont have anything better to do so enjoy this little escape from your reality and step into mine for a while.