back again, I need to write some of this down before I pass the hell out, I know I wont remember any of this tomorrow morning, I had a little much to drink and I just took some codine, yeah fucking stupid I know I just had a really bad night, I cant help but think that I'm not ment to keep on living, I dont know whyI keep putting myself though this, its really dumb, I got a tattoo last weekend, it was to memorialize kristen I guess, I set my mind to finally getting it and now I dont know weather or not it was the best move, I know I was going to get it sometime or another but now that I have it I cant stop thinking about her, its always there reminding me, I can remember all the good things, and then all of the shit I put myself though after she was gone and now I'm just falling back repeating self-destructive thing I did then and I fucking hate doing it, yet, again and again I'm doing it. I feel so alone, so cold, I guess I'll be ok, hell I'll always be ok, I just wish I could fucking quit, no more drugs, no more drinking, no more smoking, I'm trying to quit smoking, and I'm finally out of pills, thank god I guess, not the way I wanted to be out of pills but taking them does get rid of them. typing is starting to get kinda hard, I really wanna call mashly, someone to talk to but I know I wont, I talk to anyone about this because I'm so scared that they wont keep it to them selves, as I did for so long, now I actually want to talk some of it out and I cant, and why cant I stop hitting the damn enter button after I type anything, I guess talking to this thing is the closest I'll come to talking to a real person so whatever I'm feelin the effects of those damn pills now, tis getting cold, and weird, I dont know why I do this. I said that already, I think, I'm feeling pretty sick, maybe if I'm lucky I'll throw all thsi shit up that would definnatly be fore the best right now