so boredom and cutting class brings be back here yet again, hey its only the 1st day so whatever, I just dont feel like going today, I'll start tomorrow or at least I'll say that now to make myself feel better about not going today. hmmm, another 4 months, no postage for this thing so I figured I'd give it a try, sam and I had another split up, for some reason I tried to get her back, dumb me, well it worked, and I doubt its going to last much longer, I cant handle her, I dont know if its just her or if it would be the same with anyone, I dont know anymore, the desire for pills is back but my mom took them after sam told her where I had them, damn bitch, oh well, thats life, I know where they are now anyways so it dosent matter, its not like I take a whole shit load, only enough to be numb, forget everything and everyone. but for her it has to be the way she wants it fuck everyone elses feelings or desires, maybe thats why I never go over there, that and the smell in her apartment, its odd, sometimes it just reminds me of kristen, like her perfume or the way her clothes smelled, kinda makes me just withdraw, which I dont have the enegry to explain it to sam, I dont know if I could explain it to her so that she could understand, that I wont get over kristen, and I have no desire right now to put it behind me, fuck that, she was the biggest part of my life, the kind of person that comes along once in a lifetime, one that no one can even compare to, the way she was, the way she thought, the way she taught everyone around her, how to live, how to be unique, and that it was ok to be differnt. but enough about that, I cant even type anymore, need to escape from this reality that I cant stand again, sleep maybe, the closest thing to death I can find, its kinda comforting, not remembering dreams not being able to be worken up, dead to the world, its nice untill I get dragged back, well dads up and about time to go.