Monday, May 17, 2004

Well well, after many many months of never following up the first post I decided to finally write something here, exciting isn't it? Yeah, I didn't think so. Lots of shit going on these days, I separated my shoulder a couple weeks back, kinda sucks but hey, I did do it to myself afterall so I guess I deserver to be sitting here in the state that I'm in, also got a cracked, broken or otherwise dislocated rib, kinda strange, it doesn't hurt but yet its not where it should be. So aside from being in a bit of pain almost consistently I get to miss work for one more week, not sure if its a good thing or not yet, sitting around is fun and all but I'm going to get either lazy or poor, but most likely both so that kinda sucks. Anyways on to a almost completely unrelated subject, these past couple days have been long, tiresome days where sleep just wont happen when I'm left alone, lot of shit going on, most of which I still cant deal with even though I pretend everything is fine when it fact it really isn't. Last December I lost someone verry close to me, someone I loved and cared about more than anything else, and someone who I still think about every god forsaken day. Kristen was her name, she was my everything in less words I guess I don't really know how to put words to how I felt and well still do feel about her. her passing came as a shock to everyone, suicide was the last thing I ever expected to happen, something I couldn't deal with, and still cant actually, I just push everything away, hope it will magically disappear but alas, it never does, and now almost 6 months later, I've met someone new, strangely similar to her in many ways which I wish could say comes as a suprise. Well, we're in a relationship now one that I don't know whether to be happy about or to try to find a way to get out of before it gets too deep which I'm afraid to Sam it already has, I mean its not like I don't care about her, she is a wonderful person, but I don't know if I can handle this yet, so far in the 3 days or so we've been together sleep just wont come, I've picked up smoking again and here I am, trying my best to express myself in the only way I know how, writing in someplace that nobody who knows me will likely ever read. Comforting in a way, a lot of things I don't want my friends to know about me, I don't know where I'm going with that thought but I guess I'll just keep writing because its 4:27 and rather than try and go to sleep for a couple of hours before school I'd rather just say fuck it and stay up. After Kristen's passing I kept to myself a lot, only talked to 1 person really and that was only on one occasion. I've bottled everything up and now its finally starting to catch up with me. Suicidal thoughts are coming back and as much as I wish I could just ignore them like I've always seemed to do it just gets harder and harder to find a reason to say no, push them away for another day. a part of me just wants out, just to say fuck everything and everyone, but yet, part of me wants to stay, just for the hope that things will get better, and well I guess that they are, Sam is a great girl, fun to be with and as affectionate as I am, its like when I'm with her everything is cool, I'm mellow, sleep comes and its just an overall great thing but when we're apart, like now for instance I'm, hell I don't know what I am but I'm going to stop writing now, kinda lost interest in this all of a sudden, maybe I'll write again in a day, or a week, or an hour, who knows

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