long time, no post, well untill now, but anyways, things are back to normal, well as much so as they were before the past week, sam and I are back together, and I couldent be happier, well if someone gave me a pony I would be but I'll take what I've got, but yeah, friday, I called sam after she got off work, we met up at steak n' shake, talked for about an hour, I appologized my ass off, explained why I did what I did, admitted that it was stupid, which it really was, and yeah, she took me back, and on top of all of that, I stoped popping pills, which is good aswell, but on the bad side, my grandmother passed away today, kinda sad, but I didnt really know her that well, the funeral is this weekend, I've got to get my hair cut before then, whichs sucks because I like my hair, I can see it, and touch it and play with it, and it amuses me, so I'm going to just trim off as little as physically possible, I'm going to get that done this week sometime maybe tomorrow or thursday, I'm taking part of tomorrow off at wally world, and all of thursday I think, I mean money is nice and all but family comes first.  anyways thats about it for me, I'm almost done so yeah, just a coupple final words, love, peace and chicken grease

so, moring again, the only time when I'm really alreat, awake and half way functioning, (work dosent count) anyways, I wnet to work at the cheese today, was around sam again, I dont know, in a way I miss her, sure she was a bit clingy, she she could be childish, but I did love her, and well prolly still do, it kills to be around her, why did I break it off? I didnt want her around me during, well, the drugs, I've got a problem, pills, painkillers, I take them, alot of them, it puts me out, does weird things, I didnt want to expose her to that, I knew that she didnt want to understand why, she just wouldent want me to do it, so I took the easy way out, I pushed her away, when I really needed someone the most, now I'm kicking myself for it, smoking again, and poping even more pills, god I need to talk to her, maybe, tomorrow, or this weekend, I'm sure I'll see her at some point, prolly should talk to brandi first, maybe she has some good insight, maybe can see a flaw in my thinking, she does know the most about both of us, I dont know, I've got this really bad feeling, I'm cold, shaky and numb, I need to get out of here, and now

ahhh, the end of another long and uneventful day, I went out and picked up some pants and plain shirts for work, fun stuff, then I went to work, even more fun there, 7 hours of boredom, and now, here I sit, back at home sleepless again, trying to find something to distract myself from what I don't know, maybe I just want something interesting to do, I've been contemplating heading up to comlara park, towards the lake, I haven't been up there in a while, its kinda nice, relaxing if you will, that lake has been my escape on many nights, and well even afternoons for that matter, there's just something calming about it, but alas laziness has taken over, I don't really want to do anything besides lay in bed, try to sleep, and possibly smoke a couple cigarettes watch the sun come up and then pass out in the morning, so yeah, thats about all for this evening, ohh yeah on a side note, I picked up the new breaking benjamin's album, its pretty good, as well as punk-o-rama 8 and 9, 8 was good, 9 started out good but when down hill quickly, also seetheres disclamier 2, an expanded rerelease of their frist album which was worth it for the extra 7 or 8 songs, they were all really good, anyways thats all for now, so I'm out

Yay, new design all edited to make it look the way I want, for now, not that anyone noticed, but whatever, it makes me happy

so I'm back again, its 6:30 now and still no sleep in sight for me, its like I'm tired and everything but when I lay down or close my eyes my mind races, or its like I cant keep my thoughts calm enought to ever get close to sleep.  drugs would work for a situtation like this but once I start taking something I never seem to stop, sure, it starts out as taking 2 or 3 pills, tylenol pm or codine or whatever will knock me out, but I keep poping them about every 15 or 20 minutes, usually I've taken about 7 or 8 tylenol pm's before I finally pass out, that cant be good for you, I dont take codine anymore, I refuse to even use what I had left from when I had some teeth pulled a while back, I took 10 one night, it was horrible, I'm lucky to still be here.  the horrible part is its not just sleeping pills that this happens with, I mean I do the same thing with pain killers, kinda supprising, the effects are quite similar when you get into real high doses, taking 9 advill in a 5 hour period is about like taking 5 sleeping pills eccept when you do fall asleep with advil its not as deep, you wake up and get startled easily but your still kinda a vegitable, moving is hard and your limbs feel heavy, sometimes you stop breathing to swallow or something and forget to start again.  anyways, enough of all that stuff, I'm going to go get the paper and read, yes I said read, hey at least I'll be doing something semi-productive rather than staring at the wall kicking myself in the ass for everything I've done wrong, or things I wish I would have done, or whatever happens to be running circles around my warped little mind.

here I am again, finally another post, who knows if this will ever be a regualr thing, prolly not but thats ok, its not like I'm getting paid to do this in the firstplace.  So, to the first matter at hand, whats new? well, sam and I are over, she wasnen't the person I thought she was and I coulden't handle someone who turned out to be that clingy oh well, dosent really bother me, she ended up with someone else a day after I broke up with her.  if you think your in love with someone and then your able to get over them in about 3 hours, chances are your not in love but no skin off my back ya know? maybe he'll need her attition more than I did.  as for the reasons for ending it, she was clingy, however it was the little things that pissed me off even more, I quit smoking because she wanted to quit herself, well she didnt quit, and if I ever smoked and she found out about it she'd throw a fit and call me a liar, but eh, if I was quitting to help her quit, she didnt, so I didnt, pretty simple, more than that little thing there were all the ways she reminded me of kristen, just little things she'd do, most of them she did pick up from me, many bracelets, necklaces, she dyed her hair, all of them made her appear more and more like kristen, good in a way but I dont want to replace her with a replica (bad spelling but hey, it makes me unique right?) I'd rather find someone new and different, not a mirror immage, besides, trying to find someone just like her will only bring more pain in the end because I'd notice all the little things that I miss, and it just sucks.  anyways, on a totally unrelated yet just as uninteresting subject, I got a new job at wally-world, the pay is good, the job is only tempory untill something 3rd shift opens up, becuase, seeing as I'm up all night anyways, I might as well get paid for it.  ummm, what else what else? I met up with a friend from school, Cat, the other morning, talked for a while, why is it that whenever people have problems they come to me? yet I almost never go to anyone with mine? maybe its because I can put myself into other peoples situtations easially and I'm also fairly level headed even tho I am a bit unusual at times.  who knows? I dont really have much else on my mind at this point, nor anything else that I really care to talk about with all of the j-random strangers that will read this so yeah, this is the end.