so back from class, made it 3 days in a row eccept for saturday on account of the weather, so it dosent count, anywho, had a rough day today, parents were waking me up, kinda picking at me, took a pillow, hit me with it, not hard or anything, kinda floped it on me, well that didnt sit to well aparently, mom did the water thing, slaped me in the shoulder a few times, but things like that piss me off, I mean like really bad, I thew my keys across the room, kinda hard, curesed, dad yelled some, pointed, made me feel like a peice of garbage, its a good thing I'm done with sam, I dont think I would have come home for a while, kinda sucks having noplace else to go, oh well, I just cant stand people doing those little anoying things, or hitting me to wake me up, its about the only time I get violent, I mean I feel like punching something sometimes, never do, but so far I've broke the door unlocker for my car, broke the door to my room and bruised some knuckles on my dresser, I dont really like it, but its like I'm a different person, I dont know I went through this before, never a violent side tho, eh, oh well, I'll start getting worried if it happens on a regular basis, and in other news I've come to the conclusion that I'm done dating for a while, dont even really feel like looking for someone, I finally realized that I'm not over kristen, I cant even deal with what happend, and I dont want to put someone else though my moodswings yet, not untill they get better or the girl really understands what she's in for, or what she's going to have to deal with, but I'll worry about that when the time comes. I think thats about all I feel like talking about right now so I'm out

ahhh, single again, no nagging phone calls, no one randomly showing up, no more bitching, kinda miss the sex, but eh, small price to pay to be sane again, well as sane as I can be anyways, the whole thing made me realize one thing tho, I was being played, pretty much the whole time, she wasent in love with me, she was in love with whoever is going to be around at the time, hmm I steped out for a week a while back, she got with doug, I can accept that, rebound thing, now we're over for good, and she's with some other guy she works with, aint that some shit? oh well, live and learn, its all for the best anyways, thats it, just a quick update before class today, something more indepth soon

Well, its over with Sam, yay in a good way but she has to just let go and say dumb shit like always, be pissed at me, call me a prick, call me a liar, that's fine, I don't fucking care, but talk about Kristin, don't bring her into your problems, that's taking shit about 5 steps too far, "...Someone who would rather be with their girlfriend who shot herself than me" grow the fuck up, always saying that I can't blame myself, well, who is to blame then? she needed someone to be there and I fucked up, I wasent there, hmmm, not to play the blame game but if anyone is to blame its me but she had to fucking go there didn't she, sure maybe it seems like I'm cold, I'm heartless but you said it was over, I'm all about letting people do what they want, letting them be themselves, I'm just along for the ride, but come on, she knows how much that topic hurts, how much I loved her, if you've got a problem with ME, then leave it at ME, don't drag her fucking into this, she did nothing to you, if anything she made me the guy you fell in love with, so fuck off, without her there wouldn't have been us, nothing, I would still be the quiet kid, takes no risks, lives for this hope that if I live right today that tomorrow will be better, well, its not going to be better, what about tomorrow? fuck tomorrow, I don't need plans, I don't need commitments, I don't need you and your shit to make me happy, you however needed me, but not my shit, well it comes and one big package, if you couldn't handle my baggage then you shouldn't have got involved, I told you what would happen, I told you that I couldn't help it, that I didn't want to talk but you just didn't understand, never tried, always assumed that I was like you, but one of your friends got killed and you got over it, but this is DIFFERENT, maybe not to you but to me it is, I was in love with her, I don't think you even know what love is, its not the word that comforts you when someone's not there, its not what we had, sure, I had my moments, I could have loved but you always beat me up for who I was, that I couldn't handle life sometimes, that I didn't want people around when it happened I needed time, sure I'd get a day here and there never could accept that I'd call you when I was though it, ohhh, he wont call I better do it for him, dumb bitch, ok, fuck this I've had it, I'm done bitching I don't care anymore, whats one more sleepless night, errr, dammit, pills are upstairs, which means I cant get them, errrrr fuck, maybe I'll make a trip somewhere, anywhere but here

so boredom and cutting class brings be back here yet again, hey its only the 1st day so whatever, I just dont feel like going today, I'll start tomorrow or at least I'll say that now to make myself feel better about not going today. hmmm, another 4 months, no postage for this thing so I figured I'd give it a try, sam and I had another split up, for some reason I tried to get her back, dumb me, well it worked, and I doubt its going to last much longer, I cant handle her, I dont know if its just her or if it would be the same with anyone, I dont know anymore, the desire for pills is back but my mom took them after sam told her where I had them, damn bitch, oh well, thats life, I know where they are now anyways so it dosent matter, its not like I take a whole shit load, only enough to be numb, forget everything and everyone. but for her it has to be the way she wants it fuck everyone elses feelings or desires, maybe thats why I never go over there, that and the smell in her apartment, its odd, sometimes it just reminds me of kristen, like her perfume or the way her clothes smelled, kinda makes me just withdraw, which I dont have the enegry to explain it to sam, I dont know if I could explain it to her so that she could understand, that I wont get over kristen, and I have no desire right now to put it behind me, fuck that, she was the biggest part of my life, the kind of person that comes along once in a lifetime, one that no one can even compare to, the way she was, the way she thought, the way she taught everyone around her, how to live, how to be unique, and that it was ok to be differnt. but enough about that, I cant even type anymore, need to escape from this reality that I cant stand again, sleep maybe, the closest thing to death I can find, its kinda comforting, not remembering dreams not being able to be worken up, dead to the world, its nice untill I get dragged back, well dads up and about time to go.