so 3 years has come, and past, its hard to believe that I'm still here really, I thought for sure I'd be gone by now, if I only had the courage she did, it would not hurt anymore, thats all I ever do anyways, drink until I cant feel anything, get sick, tell myself I'm going to knock it the fuck off and I never do, I don't know why I even bother trying to quit drinking, or smoking for that matter, I guess the only reason I really do it is to please people, its nice that they care, its nice that they try but I am just not ready to quit yet, so I guess I set myself up to fail at this every time because I don't do it for me, I only try to please everyone fucking else. I guess, I didn't know something could hurt for this fucking long, every other thing that has ever happened I have been able to forget it get over it or do something for god sakes but now its like I don't even care anymore, I cant bring myself to accept the fact that shes gone, I avoid all thoughts of it even though I tattooed it on myself I just dont look, I hate the music that I listen to because it reminds me of her, I hate the snow because it snowed the night she died, and the day she was born, its weird, I cant do a god damned thing anymore without being reminded in some way of her, I cant sleep in my own room, because of one night I felt like she was there, something cold touched my hand and I freaked out, over a year ago, and have been sleeping on the couch ever since, I cant talk to people about it, I'm tired of being told to get help. I don't fucking want and motherfucking help, I dont care if they're good, or if they helped you, this is how I have to deal with it, I don't want to talk to someone I dont even know about something so close to me, I wont talk to my friends why the fuck would I talk to a therapist, who the fuck are you to tell me how to run my own fucking life, you cant even figure yours out, I'd be perfectly happy to never talk to you again, your a bitch, I hate how you remind me of her, I hate how fucking 2 faced you are, I mean, fuck, "someone had to take care of you guys" so you didn't even want to be there, then you should not have been, that just makes this worse, don't be a fake, I'm really glad I went to champaign this last weekend, aside from going outside with Kat, that just pissed me off, I hate how I let this shit have this effect on me, I'm sick and fucking tired of people telling me its not my fault, that everything will be ok, it'll get better with time, I've got news for you, it fucking does not, its supposed to make it easier to put your mind somewhere else, well it ain't, hell the last 2 times she attempted it involved me, and more than just the fact that I was there or that I talked to her, it was directly my fucking fault and I don't care what anyone says, they don't fucking know. I wish I knew it was going to be over, that I could just stop being a pussy and get it fucking over with, its all just a waiting game, waiting around to fucking die, why not today? what difference would it make? I don't give 2 shits if people are going to miss me, I'm not going to go on being miserable for the sake of you being happy, god I hate this, I need something to drink, fuck class, it doesn't matter anyways, I'm so confused by all of this crap, I don't know why I cant just accept the fact that shit ain't gonna get any better, it hasn't yet, and even when I think that it might it blows up in my face so whats the point, I don't want to go though let down after let down, thats all it is really, a series if disappointments with illusions of happiness in between. and ya know, even if I do find someone I think I could be happy with now I couldn't, my heart belongs to another, someone I can never be with, well not never but I cant be with here, makes this life really not worth living. I just don't understand, I just don't, but thats kewl, it doesn't matter it'll be over soon enough, so in the mean time, have another smoke, take another drink and I'll be fine for another pointless day well I have grown weary of doing this for now I'm going to lay awake here and listen to music I should get some sleep but it'll be ok, running on no sleep can be fun I guess