so yeah, blah blah so many months, yak yak and with that outta the way down to whats on my mind this early wensday morning, I got really really blitzed saturday, it was good but on the other hand kinda bad, I mean only myself and on other person were drinking, so out of the 7 of us there 2 drunks, and I didnt stop untill there were only 2 of us left, myself and mashley, ya know, I dont really know her at all, she's thomas's sorta girl friend so it was weird, in a way, not talking to her but what we talked about, for once I actually talked about the whole kristen thing, realized that I'm not happy with mylife but I've gotten so used to it being like this that I dont have the ambition to do anything about it. I've never talked to anyone, said the things I said to her, I still dont know if it was a good thing that I talked to her the way I did, being so honest about myself, I prolly shoulda lied, like I do to everyone else, or dodge the questions but I didnt, I was reluctant at first but eventually I opened all the way up, I dont know wheather it was the alahol or the way she asked the questions but it was kinda nice to talk about all of it, and when I said alot of the things that I'd been to scared to say even to myself, I cant believe of what I remember saying the things that I actually said, like that I didnt like my life, or that I thought about ending it often, or that one day I was scared I was going to run out of reasons not to end it. its all new and different to me, I guess, I dont know, its weird to think that basic stranger to me knows the most about me right now, hell she knows more than all of my friends and family put together, the pills the attempts, how much I loved her, my belifes about god, the afterlife and so many other things that I dont remember its sooo wierd, heh, she knows more than I do, and unlike my fears she didnt judge me for it, look down on me or anything, she was sooo understanding but here I still sit, I know I told myself to seek some kind of professional help but that would mean telling my mom and I dont want to do that, I dont want to change the status quo, if you will, what she dosent know wont hurt her, so I will keep drinking and smoking myself stupid to numb the pain, for now anyways